Dear America,

I know you aren't ready to hear this, but I'm going to say it anyways. We, as a country, should reconsider the value of the bidet. Habits de la toilette are hard to speak about or change, I know, but I think we could use a reevaluation here. Certainly the bidet is slightly more invasive than most of us are comfortable with right now, but it offers a level of cleanliness that our current habits certainly do not.

Besides, other countries are laughing at us. They think we are gross. Just because it is something we have always done, doesn't mean it is the best way. I just want you to think about it from a distance and think which one makes more sense theoretically.

Jack Kerouac, who was as red blooded an American as the Beats came (ie played football and was an alcoholic), carried a bar of soap and a towel around with him for his latrine activities. He mocked the American businessman who thought he was so sanitary and wonderful. I believe, in writing about it, he frequently used the word arse, which I am not sure I am a fan of. But still.

Sorry to make you uncomfortable America, you can go back to your beer and cheetos now. I just want us to think about the choices we make and the things we find silly. That's all.